In an ocean of love I felt I was the most hated swan.
With all the birds flying, I felt I was swooping down.
All the shoes aligned and I was in some other bizarre direction.
Yess, all of 'the wrong' is in me. Because sometimes I find a default so huge in me that I become numb to everything else. I broke a trust.
Not of myself- that I break every day- but of my dad. A daughter-dad relation is said to be deep and pure, binded and secured.
Well I became a bizarre person, and brought a whole new relation and that is -the unknown me and the known him wanting to know me.
I promised to.. to.. not suicide. Depression is a poisonous sugar in my stable coffee-my genes.
But I did.
The hospital ceiling is different.. its mundane, but heavy of memories seen.
My brain has a damaged portion but it is bound to heal. I will stay under this ceiling for 15 more days.
Being a depression guided person, since past 3 years, my parents loved me more than a cat loves to purr.
And my dad said to me one numb day, 'never end your life I will be your help even when you cant see me..'
I promised to keep his word.
Ironically, I suicided the next week.
When suicide first found a home in my brain, my brain welcomed it and I was disrespected. Uncertain decision and I jumped. My thoughts too jumped from relief to absurdity and finally lilies but I came out alive.
From ambulance to hospital, I had fair consciousness and I could just feel how tightly my dad had held my hand. Blood and hurt is a mixed fire, I believe and it burnt me.
Mom comes to my hospital room and mutters about therapy, and greens to soften but I know most of the questions she asks is what dad has told her to on his behalf but I see him just through that tinty glass. Worried but mostly killed. I could hold no longer. It was too much. 3 years of higher secondary schooling and two semesters at college was spent in voidness. I passed with distinction for I did study for all, actually self harmed myself to.
How it changed from an electric spark to a tremendous bolt, is what rages me up even more.
Slowly and gradually, when I lost my grandma, I was fine with it as, my grandma and I weren't close as magnets. But soon a guilt of not being sad on her death spilled itself on me. I couldn't get away. From guilt to fear of being fake to losing trust on my owns elf, I kept on losing leaves and leaves and became a bare tree with harsh texture, becoming rougher but subtle. Depression was in my genes. It got a chance to shine and caught me like ending a b-line in synfig. And from losing my trust on my own damn self, I just became confused of whatsoever I was. Feelings didn't feel like feelings anymore and I would stay at the table, look at the window, won't think of the soft breeze or the need to clean the glass or the creeper's growth- I thought nothing. To think nothing, is to feel nothing, as if, under anesthesia. To make myself study, it started with slapping my cheeks, pinching, and then piercing hard on thighs with pens. My right thigh could see just red unhealed spots. I should feel ashamed to have hurt myself but I didn't 'cause no feeling, I said. I stood third at school but far away from last in life. In my vacations, my head was numb and nothing more. My parents saw my eyes stare in a directionless direction and saw me at the same place from 12 ante meridian to 12 post meridium. I got diagnosed with clinical depression but my parents cared so much, medications was thrown and flicked out. They cared all through, and I broke their hearts and energy all through. Sometimes I think, did it happen as a result of the Karma, or for me to learn. But I have learnt enough, I can't stay with this.
College started and I failed in 2 subjects. And I wasn't sad. I was void. Like a vacuum room or the inside of a balloon. And then suicide walked by my shore. My heart waves cleared it but it became strong when my mom said to my dad, 'Can she ever get okay?'
Now as I survived, I will get medications but without medication the only thing which will help me stay sane is to say, 'I want to be alive for my future, even the Universe is a vacuum but it stays.'
I will not redo it and I will no longer break the trust with him, again. But suicide is not an answer, it's rather a new problem. Before I lose myself, I am sure firstly, I lose my family or any person who loves me, as I lose consciousness and that's true.
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